breastfeeding

I have tried and tired, but it wasn't working like I wished. I'm defeated. I'm talking about breastfeeding. We noticed problem of Isaac's sucking ability when we were at the hospital. He's a weak sucker. Also I think there are some nipple confusion. I wasn't able to breastfeed for a while after I gave birth to Isaac because of the constant nausea and throwing up. By the time I got to put him on my breasts, he had gotten lazy to suck. He also has tiny mouth that doesn't like to open wide. I had the lactation consultant came a few times, and we did some sucking training. We thought we were on the right track, but my milk never came as full as when I had Eli. My nipples were also getting sore. I grimaced every time I breastfed. I wasn't sure how much Isaac was getting, but I'm sure it's not much because he almost never seemed satisfied afterward. I have been pumping to get the left over out. Finally I decided after a week of trying, I'm going to pump feed my Isaac. It's not an easy decision, because I loved breastfeeding my other child, and I was looking forward to have that bonding time with this child. However when it became a painful experience where neither of us was getting anything positive out of it, I had to choose what's best for my baby. This way, I can still provide the best food source, my breast milk, and make sure he has enough to eat. He's a big baby after all. Like I said, this is a tough decision, because I couldn't help but blame myself and feeling like a failed mother. That's the one thing I thought I could do as a mother that made me irreplaceable. After feeling pity for myself, I came to term with the fact that breastfeeding is not for every baby. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Now that I'm feeing Isaac my pumped breast milk, he seemed to be content and satisfied after each feeding, and I'm feeling more relieved that he's getting the nutrients he needs. A weight has been lifted off my chest. 

Isaac at home

First bath at home

Isaac Andrew

We did it again! We had another baby. This one is even bigger than the last one. Isaac Andrew was born on June 16 and weighed 10lbs 14.5oz and 22 inches long. Boy am I glad I had a c-section. It wasn't easy though. I was throwing up all day the first day and the incisional pain was more than I remembered. Anyway, we are all home now, and everything is good. My parents came from Hong Kong last week. My mom is staying for six months to help, we are so grateful for that. My dad is going back tomorrow. It's going to be emotional, and I don't do emotional. I know it's hard for my dad, because he has had so much fun with Eli and Isaac. Oh boy, tearing up just by reading this already. I'm an emotional nut again post-partum, just like last time. Thank goodness Isaac is such a good baby. He's so much easier to take care of than Eli was. I assume Eli's eczema problem was the reason why he was always so difficult. Isaac has so much hair. We love his chubby cheeks. I love being a mom, but not so much being a new mom. I know this period of self doubt and feeling of inadequacy will hopefully improve overtime, though I know it will never go away as that's part of being a parent. That's it for now. 

pregnancy photos

A dear friend of ours wanted to do a pregnancy photo shoot for us. She did my last one when I was pregnant with Eli. I almost didn't want to do this. I'm in my last week of pregnancy, looking biggest than ever, I wasn't sure if I want that captured. I'm so glad I did. It's only fair that this child get one too. It wasn't an easy shoot though. It was hot, humid, and mosquitoes everywhere, Eli crying, I was feeling miserable. Luckily, our friend is so efficient, patient, and good with whiny kids. I really love how these photos turned out. 

Photos by Amanda Mosley Lucero of APL photography