code blue

I know I have been MIA for a while. I have been that busy, but I have been feeling depressed lately. I'm not sure why, but I guess that happens when you are a living human being. Work has been going okay, until tonight. One of my patients coded tonight. It's hard to believe, but this is my first code in my six years of being a nurse. I had only had that patient for two hours when it happened. It all came down really quick, and my patient didn't make it. The worst thing was it happened right in front of my eyes. We were just helping her to reposition, all of a sudden she turned blue and was out. I had helped with a code before, but this was the first time it happened to my own patient. I tried to stay calm, but you could tell I was kinda nervous from my shaky voice. The family happened to be there already. They saw it happened too. After almost an hour of rescuing, the doctor took the family to a quieter room and explained to them that their loved one was not going to make it. I was standing in the corner trying to again stay calm. We are still not sure what happened. It seemed like the patient might have an aneurysm that bursted because they suctioned tons of blood from her abdomen. I keep playing the whole thing my head again and again trying to see if there's anything I missed or I could have done better. I know better not to be too hard on myself. If this happened to my co-workers, I would say the same too. We can't save everyone. Whatever happened, it was God's plan. No matter how hard we try, when God decided it's time, it's time. I pray though God would give me peace in my heart and strength to continue to do the job I love.