I have tried and tired, but it wasn't working like I wished. I'm defeated. I'm talking about breastfeeding. We noticed problem of Isaac's sucking ability when we were at the hospital. He's a weak sucker. Also I think there are some nipple confusion. I wasn't able to breastfeed for a while after I gave birth to Isaac because of the constant nausea and throwing up. By the time I got to put him on my breasts, he had gotten lazy to suck. He also has tiny mouth that doesn't like to open wide. I had the lactation consultant came a few times, and we did some sucking training. We thought we were on the right track, but my milk never came as full as when I had Eli. My nipples were also getting sore. I grimaced every time I breastfed. I wasn't sure how much Isaac was getting, but I'm sure it's not much because he almost never seemed satisfied afterward. I have been pumping to get the left over out. Finally I decided after a week of trying, I'm going to pump feed my Isaac. It's not an easy decision, because I loved breastfeeding my other child, and I was looking forward to have that bonding time with this child. However when it became a painful experience where neither of us was getting anything positive out of it, I had to choose what's best for my baby. This way, I can still provide the best food source, my breast milk, and make sure he has enough to eat. He's a big baby after all. Like I said, this is a tough decision, because I couldn't help but blame myself and feeling like a failed mother. That's the one thing I thought I could do as a mother that made me irreplaceable. After feeling pity for myself, I came to term with the fact that breastfeeding is not for every baby. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Now that I'm feeing Isaac my pumped breast milk, he seemed to be content and satisfied after each feeding, and I'm feeling more relieved that he's getting the nutrients he needs. A weight has been lifted off my chest.
